Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
CollegeHumor is nominated for 5 Webby Awards. One of them is for Best Humor Website.
Check out the competition and vote for your favorite!
Yep still my favourite all time gif. Will reblog this forever
story of my life
ASK ME! Fill that inbox!1. Where are you from?2. Has an anime ever made you cry?3. Post a screenshot of your tumblr activity page4. A musical artist you love that isn’t well known?5. How would you describe your sense of humour?6. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else’s?7. Did you make any resolutions for this year? What were they?8. Last 3 blogs on your dashboard, not including any of your own.9. Put your music player of choice on shuffle and list the first 3 songs10. Can you curl your tongue?11. Can you do any other accents other than your own?12. Who would be your ideal partner?13. Who is your favorite anime character?14. Most used word?15. Most used phrased?16. Inspiration behind your URL?17. Inspiration behind your blog title?18. Is there something you would never do?19. Is there anything you should be doing right now?20. Is there a song which can bring you to tears instantly?21. If you could study anything, what would it be?22. If money was no object, where would you move to?23. If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?24. Have you ever online dated?25. Have you ever been in love?26. Have you ever had a secret admirer?27. Favorite song?28. Favorite food?29. Favorite movie?30. Favorite foreign food?31. Are you ticklish?32. Are you a good liar?33. Are you pursuing your dreams?34. Are you scared of the future?35. Are you happy with who you are?36. Are you a clean or messy person?37. Are you a good judge of character?38. Are you a very open or private person?39. Are you more attracted to men or women?40. How old are you?41. How tall are you?42. How did you get your name?43. How many posts do you have?44. How many posts have you liked?45. How are you feeling right now?46. How many followers do you have?47. How would you like to be remembered?48. Do you have a crush?49. Do you want children?50. Do you have any pets?51. Do you play video games?52. Do you have much of an ego?53. Do you believe in soul mates?54. Do you prefer to text or call?55. Do you suck or bite lollipops?56. Do you like long or short hair?57. Do actions speak louder than words?58. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?59. Do you post mainly reblogs, or your own content?60. Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games?61. What makes you angry?62. What is your birthday?63. What shoe size are you?64. What are you strengths?65. What is your dream job?66. What color is your hair?67. What color is your eyes?68. What do your parents do?69. What is you middle name?70. What are your weaknesses?71. What is your zodiac sign?72. What’s your lucky number?73. What perfume do you wear?74. What are you allergic to?75. What’s the meaning of life?76. What is your favorite color?77. What is your favorite accent?78. What makes you uncomfortable?79. What is your personality type?80. What is your #1 favorite anime?81. What type of music do you like?82. What or whom do you miss right now?83. What’s your favourite number, and why?84. What programs do you currently have open?85. What do you typically have for breakfast?86. What age do people usually mistake you for?87. What’s the most notes you’ve ever had on a post?88. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?89. What are five things you want to do before you die?90. What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of?
Evangelion poster ! :)
this accurately represents my class participation
Adventure time sums up the “nice guy” trope in a nutshell.
before listening to beyoncé
after listening to beyoncé